So, this is going to be embarrassing… Today I got my first D since 11th grade, second D ever.

In case you didn’t know, I’m in my Junior year of college majoring in Psychology and minoring in Statistics. And.. I love school. Always have. Not really the institution of it, but I do love learning and reading. When my RA came back at 17 after a remission in my teens, my schoolwork became the first casualty in what I like to call, “My RA vengeance.” I’ll never forget hobbling around on crutches, not being able to hold a pencil and vomiting in the trash can at the back of the class after being put on Methotrexate for the first time in my life. I dropped classes, abandoned classes, and the W’s racked up.

After everything I’d done–getting into the School for Advanced Studies (a dual-enrollment program) at 16 and graduating early, I dropped out of college in my second year. Truth be told, I took too long to drop out. I waited until I literally could not walk anymore and even showering became impossible. Looking back, I wish I had accepted my new reality sooner.

Fast forward to 2015, I started feeling better and I immediately enrolled at Miami Dade College. It felt amazing to be back to doing what I love and my grades reflected that. Being in school (and doing well) reminded me of who I used to be–energetic, zealous, and tenacious.

That all vanished the second I saw the D at the top of my test paper. I know I have been feeling really bad lately, but how is it that my grades are always the first to suffer?

I know my pain has been making it extremely difficult for me to focus in class and the fatigue has dwindled my motivation to study, but am I really making the same mistake all over again? I don’t know what to think–do I finish school the best I can or do I drop out now and salvage my 4.00 GPA? My biggest mistake before was not reaching out to the Disability Resource Center at my school as soon as I felt sick. In my defense though, I had no idea what was wrong with me and (naively) thought I’d get better in no time! This time, I learned from my denial. I contacted the DRC and I’ve communicated with my professors, but when they don’t know how to help me and I don’t know how to help myself (beyond asking for a scribe or dictation software), what else is a girl supposed to do? (BTW, the DRC doesn’t offer any help with typing or extensions on deadlines–I asked.)

I was so disappointed with myself and really felt like quitting until… I got these messages. Screen Shot 2017-11-20 at 3.48.45 PM.pngScreen Shot 2017-11-20 at 3.50.59 PM.png

Being a part of a community online and getting to know individuals who truly “get it,” means everything. Encouragement from so many people–friends, family, and my chronic clique–reminds me that even though I stumble, (often and awkwardly) the most important thing in life is that I pick myself back up. 🙂