People ask why at 27 I don’t drive long distances, the truth is that positions that keep me still for long periods (hands on a steering wheel, knees bent, foot extended) hurt me very much. I NEED to shift, move, turn, get up, etc. And that’s a daily thing. When I don’t do these things (or can’t because I’m behind the wheel) the pain of not doing them makes me desperate, and since I can’t take anything for pain—it also makes me reckless. Virtually every accident I’ve been in has been caused either because I was in too much pain and desperate to get home or too fatigued and falling asleep behind the wheel. I’ve had to pull over to take a nap more times than I can count. And that’s just from local traffic.

Today I remembered why driving long distances isn’t just risky, but impossible for me… at the present moment.

I was halfway packed ready to go to Orlando when I woke up barely able to pick up my son because my elbows were so stiff. Luckily, his crib is right next to my bed so I tossed him into my bed and laid down next to him. I rested with him for a long time. My RA keeping me in bed and my stubbornness mentally planning what outfits to pack for the weekend. In my mind, I’m thinking, “if the pain and stiffness in one elbow eases up a bit, I can still make the trip with one hand on the wheel.”

I don’t know where I’d be if I didn’t have people to tell me I’m insane. Probably dead in a ditch somewhere by now, because by tonight I couldn’t even carry my laptop and every sip of water I was thinking, “is this crucial to my survival..?” I even skipped dinner so I wouldn’t have to bring food up to my mouth.

Years ago, when my day job moved 40 miles away (1 hour+ in South Florida) I made the difficult decision to take the severance package out of fear I’d end up stranded somewhere and not able to drive myself home. If this had happened at the end of the weekend instead of the beginning, I’d be stuck until the flare up passed.

So if I cancel last minute, ask for a ride, refuse to RSVP, please forgive me. It’s not me driving, it’s my RA behind the wheel.