It’s been 4 days and a part of me hasn’t fully accepted that my immune system doesn’t want to cooperate with any of the Biologic medications I’ve already tried.

Enbrel, Remicade, Actemra, Orencia, Cimzia, and now Olumiant.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful that I have these choices. That they’re even available to me. When I was diagnosed in 1996, deformities were rampant and Biologics didn’t exist. We had to make do on anti-inflammatories (NSAIDs). Now, when my immune system outsmarts a drug, I get to move on to the next one.

As grateful as I am, however, the truth is, there is still some small part of me that thinks, “but.. why??”

Why can’t they just work and let me be? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with me?

I know in my head that it isn’t my fault, but it’s kinda hard not to take it personal when five drugs don’t want to work on me–or work for a while and then stop working all of a sudden.

It reminds me of when I started this journey in 2010 with my first Biologic medication and SO much hope. I thought I would be like the people you hear about that have been going strong on the same drug for 10 years.

Every time I would switch to a new medicine, I’d make all kinds of life plans banking on this being “The One.” Then, just like a young girl falling for all the wrong guys, I’d end up shocked and heartbroken.

And here I am again, except I’m shocked and heartbroken with myself. With my body, for betraying me.

It’s a lot to overcome. I love my body for the good things it’s given me: only 1 joint deformity requiring surgery in 23 years and my most precious gem, my son. But I’m also irritated at the lack of cooperation on my immune system’s part.